Saturday, January 7, 2012

Love Unfixable

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Love. What is love to you? For me, love is a way of being. I have been through different stages of growth in the area of love throughout my life, for sure, but it has always been the primary state in which I function. It is one of the initial qualities that attracts people to me, and seems to be one of the things that sometimes pushes them away. My mother has tried to advise me time and again to keep my love more selective; to kind of hide it away and not give it out except to those who earn it. Those seem like very sage words, and I often find myself wishing I could do that when the consequence of not is painful. But… I just can’t seem to do it.

I deeply appreciate 1Corinthians 13 as much because of what it does not say as I do for what it does say. It does not say that love is a feeling or an emotion. It doesn’t imply that it is a chemical response. No. God speaks about love as an action. A commitment. Now, I don’t claim to walk in perfect step with it, but it is just how I seem to be wired, to love. I definitely have my bad days. I get irritated when some dude cuts me off when I’m driving, and don’t get me started about my neighbors. There will always be circumstances and people that make loving very challenging to say the least. But, what’s on my heart today are the risks involved in loving.

There is this huge risk of being hurt when we love, by betrayal, rejection, lack of reciprocity, etc. What gets me most is the rejection. I am so sensitive to the idea that there is something inherently and unresolvably wrong with me. In fact, I was recently mashed up by some guy who decided to ultimately reject me, despite how awesome a woman he claims I am, because his gut tells him that someday I am certain to cheat on him in the near or distant future.  For over a week I suffered over it with tears and feelings of confusion. Truly! For the life of me I couldn’t make sense of how I could supposedly be so wonderful and simultaneously so unwanted, inadequate, and unworthy of the risk I was so willing to take with him. And, why was I unable to shake it? I know myself. I know I am not a cheater. That really should be good enough. His loss, right? I prayed and prayed and listened to worship music and meditated, etc. It was crazy how I was sinking emotionally. Mind you, this wasn’t the only thing going on at the time. It was also the holidays and I was swiftly approaching major changes in my life as my divorce was just being finalized. I cried out and begged God to show up. "PLEASE, God! PLEASE! Change something. Give me hope. Undo this. Show up, Lord! Be my daddy! Protect me! Don't you love me? PLEASE LOVE ME!" Then, I would think about all the things I had done to get me where I was, not just in that relationship but in every aspect of my life. I had emotionally, and even spiritually, reached a tipping point. It was then that I got an instant message from a friend.

[Friend] wassup?
[Me]: hmmmmmm
       I think something is really wrong
       I'm in trouble sweetpea
[Friend]: in trouble??
[Me]: emotional, spiritual, physical
       it's not something I'm fighting very well on my own
       You would be very disappointed I'm sure
       I am afraid of how you'll see me... but that just can't matter right now
       It will probably change your view of me forever
       and probably our relationship
       but....
       I'm in big trouble
[Friend]: okay what do i have to do with anything?
[Me]: idk
       maybe it's just the trouble talking
       who knows
[Friend]: :)
       whats the trouble?
[Me]: I am depressed
       very

Take a few moments and read again the few lines I included from the IM conversation my friend and I had. What do you notice? First of all, let me tell you how grateful I was that at THAT moment my friend opted to message me! I believe God was actually SHOWING UP. But look. Do you see it? I was in desperate need of help, of love, of encouragement, but I was so concerned about how my weakness would appear to my friend. Of course my friend responded with compassion. He called me and we talked about God's grace. This was a concept I thought I was well on my way to grasping. I thought I had let go of thinking God was watching me like a hawk and tossing me out of relationship with Him every time I slipped. But as we talked, I realized the internal dialogue that was occurring without my even noticing. In the instance of the brief romance, as I relived the last several days, I recalled feeling that perhaps God had caused that relationship to fail, or somehow willed it, because I had allowed it to take my eyes off of Him. After all, before I met that guy I was listening to sermons on my laptop almost daily. I was regularly commenting on spiritual things on my Facebook page and was steeping myself in scripture. After I met him, those things were replaced with phone calls with him and the like. How could God possibly bless me - especially me who struggles with keeping my heart and mind God focused - by allowing me to have a relationship. It only seemed to make sense that He would take away anything that kept Him from His rightful place. That is why I now had to share custody of my kids with a man so abusive, right? Because even my children were sources of distraction for me. Grace is unmerited favor. It is something that God is accused of giving freely and with such abandon as to send His only son just so that it could be offered fully to a fallen world. As much as I thought I understood it, I now realize how much I still struggle to allow myself to receive it.



I may not hide per se, but I still wear shame. The idea that I am unfixable is a lie. I've put my finger on it. So... now what? God, I can't do this. I need you.

Yours Truly,
Just Korie


3 comments:

  1. Yes, you are right, Korie. The most important thing is to keep our eyes fixed on Jesus. If He is #1 and we receive the grace that He gives us daily (which we could never earn), no shame can keep residence within. We will have a freeing confidence that comes from Him once we except our identity in Him. Once we believe in who God says we are, we can love the way the Lord created us to. These action words of love from Corinthians can only come to us once we are secure with ourselves and in our relationship with the Lord. Then we will genuinely and truly love.

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  2. My comment is a daily walk that increases and gains more and more. I am far from this mark of loving deeply but I continue to move forward and gradually make progress with receiving more of His freedom in His grace and excepting His words about me so that I might act in the love that is true and righteous.

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  3. Specific mention counts in this blog: I - 41; God - 10; Jesus - ZERO. Try praying on your knees and then give Thanksgiving to YOUR God, for he has already heard all of the groveling and would like YOU to give him the opportunity to give you a Loving and Faitful heart. But you are so scrupulously focused on "I" that you don't, won't and can't allow His Holy Spirit into your life. If we don't have bad times, how can we rejoice in the Unending Joy which God offers? Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, has difficulties. Courage is not bravery. Courage is being scared to death and doing the right thing anyway. The best thing is to stop lying, cheating and hurting others, especially those you claim to "love", which is what those close to you (and maybe not so close) see in you, like a sign on your forehead. Make things right with The Lord by making things right by those whom you have hurt for so, so many years. Then, and only then, will you have the Peace and Joy, you so desperately crave.

    Father, God, help Korie to find Your Love, Peace and Joy in HER HEART. Help her to make things right with herself and those in her life. Amen.

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