Saturday, January 7, 2012

Dear God, Can't I Just Go Back To Egypt?



I remember thinking on the day of my divorce that I was finally free! What a RELIEF! Well, not to sound like an ungrateful wretch, but I have swiftly exited idealism mode and have entered the great land of realism while shaking in my Payless boots. Divorce is an utter life change, at least for me. Not only does it mean completely redefining myself from wife and mother to something all together new, it also means a huge change in standard of living. In an article by Amelia Hill entitled "Men Become Richer After Divorce" the author reports that male incomes rise by a third after a split, while women are worse off and can struggle for years. Um... WHAT?! In my case, this is especially true because of the ultimate "agreement" made from years of bullying and the court's inability to see the truth under the facade. That, however, is another topic for another time.

So here is my situation. Prior to my divorce I was a stay-at-home-mom with no job and was able to live in a small 3 bedroom home with 2 dogs, one cat, and 3 children. Now I am a single working mother and will likely barely be able to maintain in a low income 1 bedroom apartment. After 2 years or so of searching for a job, I finally landed an assistant teacher position in a daycare run by a woman in my church. The hours are part-time and based on how many children are attending the center on any given day. Because I have no formal experience or training, my wage is set at minimum. This, coupled with the agreement made in the divorce, has cut my income nearly by half.

Knowing I would soon have to move, I set out to find a place to live. It was then that the fear of the reality hit me like a brick. I looked at my income and what I can reasonably afford to spend on rent and it is at least $200 less than some of the lowest priced multiple bedroom apartments and houses in the area. And, let me tell you, the area I live in is far from posh. Ideally I could move in with a family member in order to rebuild myself, but in this case that would mean leaving my kids behind because my family lives beyond what the courts would automatically permit me to move. I was facing my first full week without my children, and I started to sink deeper and deeper into thoughts over the pressure, the self-doubt, the trapped feeling, utter loneliness, and overwhelming fear and hopelessness. I had spent about 12 years with a man who had convinced me I was a worthless moron (his words minus certain expletives), and now I was really feeling that no matter what I did I would never be able to escape the bondage that relationship had caused. I would never again know the potential of success. In fact, I envisioned a vortex of failure where even my children would ultimately choose to leave me completely for their father because of all of the things he could give them that I would never be able to match. All of a sudden I found myself wishing I could turn back the clock and go back to the days of abuse. Surely even that would be better than what lie ahead.

As hopeless as I struggle with feeling at times, I know that I only have to 2 real options (death not being one of them). 1. I can just lay down and accept defeat and be a victim of my circumstance or 2. I can be willing to do whatever it takes to change my circumstance. So, I started to think. What are the quickest ways to make a change in my financial situation? Is there a way to do that without a degree? My mother and brother are both quite successful in the IT industry. My mother has a BS in some completely unrelated field and my brother doesn't have a degree at all. Granted, they've been working many years in the IT field, but it still seems like a viable direction. One my mother has been trying to convince me to follow for as long as I can remember. In order to do this, though, I would need to sacrifice what I really want to do (psychology/counseling). At least for now. I would also need to get some sort of education and experience, be it by obtaining an entry level job at a helpdesk or by getting certified in certain areas of IT. Both would be ideal, however the number of available jobs in my area is significantly low in regards to this field. So, I kept thinking, while letting that idea percolate.


I began to look to my peers for suggestions. One of my closest friends lives in Trinidad. He loves the United States. He says it is the best place in the world to be an entrepreneur. I've always thought he had a very idealistic view of us, but he says there is no other place where a person can lose everything and start over as easily as one can here. Luckily, I have another very entrepreneurial minded friend who lives a couple blocks from me. She and I decided to have coffee at her house and look into the best small businesses as recorded in a small business magazine she had recently picked up. There were 250 listed and some of the starting costs were outrageous for someone like me. But, some of them seemed not only in my price range, but also like things I might actually be able to do. I was beginning to see potential ways out. My box was expanding and hope was beginning to be reborn.

The bible says:

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

This can often be a concept difficult for me to trust in because the situation can sometimes look very bleak. In fact, it often does. But, I know I love God. I know what this scripture says. And I choose to have faith that God is working in this, that He is directing my path according to His purpose. And, not only is His purpose for His glory, but it is also for my good.

3 comments:

  1. Excellent Post Korie...
    We island savages always think the best of everywhere else but here. :P

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  2. Hi, Just found your blog through the mom blogs. I think we have a LOT in common. I too am a single mom of three... I'll be following along. :)

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  3. Wow! I can't even imagine what you are going through. I'll be praying for you. I'm following now!

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